Bind this heart.

I have been living in the dark and running from God and his presence for many months. There have been situations in my life that I was unable to overcome and instead of calling on the lord, I became angry at him.
There was a situation that I was involved in where the lord lead me into and purposely freed me from it, but instead of being thankful I left it feeling not good enough and thinking that God decided that he could not use me...
So I ran from him... and committed many sins. Which leads to guilt and shame, which brought me further from the lord.
Long story short... I am in the process of moving home. Of course, I became depressed, feeling like a loser and am broke with no friends here. Questioning if I made the right choice. Meanwhile, the enemy kept feeding me lies and I truly believed that I could never return to Abba.
I began this slup of not reading my Bible, not praying, even when a Christian song would come on I would turn it so quick, feeling disgusted with the song or maybe at myself.
My family tried and tried bringing me to church but I refused to go. Why would I want to go when I would just leave feeling guilty? Why would I want to go and put on a fake smile, so the world wouldn't see my brokenness?
Today, I finally went to church, Jesus was preparing my heart even when I didn't realize it. I thought I would walk in feeling overwhelmed with His spirit or cry my eyes out. But it wasn't that at all... I felt Peace... calmness of my soul. The kind of peace where you feel everything is right. The kind of Peace that can only come from our lord and savior. HIS peace for me.
When I left, I wanted more, I felt like an addict, I couldn't focus on anything else but going home, hiding in my closet and praying. When I got home I did just that. I wanted to speak to Him but where do I begin? I'm sorry for screwing up the life you had planned for me? Forgive me? I then opened up my journal and read some old entries I wrote of my listening prayers. This is one that I read: date April 1, 2011
Me: lord, I feel I cannot serve you because of my sin.
Lord: come to me
Me: I want to, but I'm shameful
Lord: Jesus paid it all
Me: I want to believe, but look what I've done.
Lord: Paul was a liar, murderer, adulteress. I still love him and you.
Me: forgive me Abba
Lord: surrender
Me: I try but fail
Lord: be still, why are you running?
Me: because I'm afraid
Lord: I will chase after you. Rest in me my child. He then brought to my mind the book of Hosea.
What a blessing that he would bring that journal to light. How sovereign that He will chase after us. When I began to pray, God brought the story of Jonah to light, and how Jonah flees from the presence of the lord and The Lord captured his attention by sending a whale to swallow Jonah. Just like He has captured my attention by moving me home where I have nothing and nobody to turn to but Him.
Am I a sinner? Yes. Will I continue to sin? Probably. Will our sovereign God forgive me? Absolutely!
As I was praying to the lord on my knees feeling overwhelmed by my sin, he whispered ever so gently seventy times seven. In Matthew 18:15 bear it no more.
Even though, I sit here not knowing what tomorrow brings, I am filled with His peace. I know I have doubt, fear and sometimes unbelief. But my prayer is that He will bind this wandering heart to thee.
Amen.