How to follow his call

This is a hard question that I ponder with frequently.
How do I know if this is what he wants? If so, when does he want this from me?
Recently, Abba spoke to be very bluntly about adoption. I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was at work, just fed Jonas and was cleaning off the table, when time literally stood still. I have always heard this expression before and never understood what it meant until now.
However, God was very clear that I need to start praying diligently that adoption would become legalized in Egypt; that my daughter awaits me there... its so hard for me to even wrap my mind around, but God created me and possibly created me for this child.
Timing is another issue i struggle with. After hearing and believing this, I want to jump on the next flight out and go and get my child, but how? I'm not ready? I'm not married. Will I be single forever?
...sigh
So, how? How do I follow his call. three years ago, I would have said to wait. Now, I say run. Run towards his calling, living in obedience and ask for the belief that he will lead me there. Although, I do believe God calls us to "wait" sometimes, but we should be actively seeking him, so run!  I would love to have children,although he thought of having them now puts me in a bit of a frenzy because clearly I feel I am just not ready. Must remind myself, His Will, His Timing.
It is so hard to not let the enemy rob this from me, in fact,  as i write this a million doubts fill my mind, but God keeps whispering his promises to me.
the reason for writing this is to keep it as a " journey" and as a possible reminder. I invite you to pray with me as I run towards everything that will bring Him glory.

His Mercy Remains

God has been teaching me so much about me; forcing me to look into my past and find him in it all, even the ugly. praise him. He has been teaching me about his forgiveness and am still learning to accept it.
His Mercy Remains.
Last night i was asking him how does it look to serve you, to live for you, where do i even begin... what a big question, a question that every christian struggles with. I am so sick of sitting myself on the sidelines watching my brothers and sister bring glory to His sweet name. Why can't I? Am I not good enough? are my sins worse than theirs? I am just a mess...
" Lies" He tells me. those are all lies formed by the enemy to keep me from bringing glory to His name. Aren't all things possible through him.
I ask God again- Lead me to a chapter where I can learn about the service to you.
" James" he says. I laugh  instantly when I read the intro. because God is slapping me smack in the center, no hidden meaning, plain as day there it is. ( read the intro into James, better yet-- read James)
Going to bed last night was hard. God is sparking something in my heart. " I have something bigger for you" he says. I instantly feel uncomfortable and excited at the same time. I want that. I thought I wanted the cookie cutter American life. ( not that God doesn't call some of us to that) I want His story of my life. I want the life that He has planned for me. In this moment I am married to Him and that Is enough for me. I need Him to fight my flesh each day and fight the lies that my heart tells me that he is not enough.
I finally understand the verse in psalms; He knows the desires of my heart.
He knows the desires of the heart he created.

Twelve Stones

He told them, “Go into the middle of the Jordan, in front of the Ark of the Lord your God. Each of you must pick up one stone and carry it out on your shoulder—twelve stones in all, one for each of the twelve tribes of Israel. We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.” Joshua 4:5-7

The Lord dried up the river so the people could cross, then had the twelve men carry the stones on their backs...

Many times we go through trails, struggles in our life and wonder "where is/was God during this time"? I ask the Lord this many times and He showed me through his word this morning.

The answer is, He is drying the river so we may continue walking through it, yes we carry those heavy stones on our backs the whole way, and we struggle, stop for rest, stray off the path... but the Lord clears the way and dries up that sea so we may walk through it.
Those hard stones that we focuses so much on as our struggles, they are placed there as a reminder of what God rescued us from.

My prayer becomes that I will not bury those stones and keep them in the dark, but that I will give God the glory for them and praise him for parting the sea for me.

JJ Heller - Only Love remains

I love this song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI
Lyrics to Only Love Remains :
Scenes of you come rushing through You are breaking me down So break me into pieces That will grow in the ground I know that I deserve to die For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus As you tear me apart
Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in meYou know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains
You burn away the ropes that bind And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth I begin to see reality For the first time in my lifeI know that I’m a shadow But I’m dancing in your light. Teach me to be humble. Call me from the grave. Show me how to walk with you upon the waves.Breathe into my spirit.Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

Matthew 13

Matthew 13:53-58

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+13&version=NIV

When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations, he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.








This has become my life, the world I live in. Jesus told them, "a prophet is honored everywhere except in his hometown."



Have I become so comfortable in "knowing" Jesus that I will not believe or allow Him to work wonders in me, through me. When He is standing there saying "let me show you more". What would happen if we didn't limit our God?



He can move mountains, calm the seas... yet I still limit Him.



He has put this dream in my heart to travel to the unknown and open orphan homes to display a family unit to the fatherless. But, that is what is has become,a dream. A dream that I am holding onto and will not give to God because, 'I am just a carpenters son'. It has stayed a dream because of my unbelief.



I pray I give it over to Him along with my plans, pride, comfort, freedom, family and skills.

My soul thirst for you

So...I had this plant that i loved and was taking great care of it. Watering it, placing it in the sunlight. I went out of town and totally forgot about the plant and came home to this.
My poor little plant had no sunlight, no water and was clearly in bad shape.
I immediately started to water it and put it into the light, but days went by and still no change. The plant was still in bad shape and looked ugly.

The once green flourishing leaves were now brown and dropping.
God started speaking to me through my plant situation. This plant is just like my life. When I am in the word, living for Abba, filled with His spirit I am flourishing. However, when I am living in darkness and not feeding myself with the word this is what happens to me. I fall in sin. Get angry with the Lord and keep hidden in the darkness because I am shameful. When I call on the Lord He is there, saying "come, daughter. Rest in me my child".
The thing is, every time I'm on my know knees covered in sin. I come to the lord and he says" bear it no more". But instead of giving him it all. I try to fix it. I, like my plant am broken and try to cover up my sins and hope I will continue to grow. That can't happen because I will always be bearing that sin and it will hold me down.
Abba, want me to give it all to him. He wants to individually pluck the dead broken leaves off me. So I may grow and flourish in Him.
Matthew 13: 24-30
Amen.

Psalm 51:16

Even though my sins tear me down and I struggle daily, Father desires my broken heart, he wants my struggles to take them on so I will not bear them. Why do we feel guilty, when our father did not create us to carry our guilt. He desires my broken spirit, when we are dried out laying on the floor covered in the filth of our sins, the Lord looks at us as His precious child and picks us up and makes us clean. Hallelujah!

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. 17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

November 2,2011

I want to go there because every time I served overseas I was so close to Jesus and I wanted more. I felt His presence so much because I was serving Him daily, I was leaning on Him daily and I trusted Him daily. Everyday I would strive to be His hands and feet, trying to be like Jesus. What if I did that here? What if i didn't waste my day away and got up every morning ready to serve Him?

I want there to be nothing left of me everyday because I am spent for Jesus. I want Him to accomplish things through me that He had planned for me. I want to bring glory to His name.

I want His heart

That is my prayer. Wherever He may send me, I pray I bring glory to His name.

Bind this heart.

I have been living in the dark and running from God and his presence for many months. There have been situations in my life that I was unable to overcome and instead of calling on the lord, I became angry at him.
There was a situation that I was involved in where the lord lead me into and purposely freed me from it, but instead of being thankful I left it feeling not good enough and thinking that God decided that he could not use me...
So I ran from him... and committed many sins. Which leads to guilt and shame, which brought me further from the lord.
Long story short... I am in the process of moving home. Of course, I became depressed, feeling like a loser and am broke with no friends here. Questioning if I made the right choice. Meanwhile, the enemy kept feeding me lies and I truly believed that I could never return to Abba.
I began this slup of not reading my Bible, not praying, even when a Christian song would come on I would turn it so quick, feeling disgusted with the song or maybe at myself.
My family tried and tried bringing me to church but I refused to go. Why would I want to go when I would just leave feeling guilty? Why would I want to go and put on a fake smile, so the world wouldn't see my brokenness?
Today, I finally went to church, Jesus was preparing my heart even when I didn't realize it. I thought I would walk in feeling overwhelmed with His spirit or cry my eyes out. But it wasn't that at all... I felt Peace... calmness of my soul. The kind of peace where you feel everything is right. The kind of Peace that can only come from our lord and savior. HIS peace for me.
When I left, I wanted more, I felt like an addict, I couldn't focus on anything else but going home, hiding in my closet and praying. When I got home I did just that. I wanted to speak to Him but where do I begin? I'm sorry for screwing up the life you had planned for me? Forgive me? I then opened up my journal and read some old entries I wrote of my listening prayers. This is one that I read: date April 1, 2011
Me: lord, I feel I cannot serve you because of my sin.
Lord: come to me
Me: I want to, but I'm shameful
Lord: Jesus paid it all
Me: I want to believe, but look what I've done.
Lord: Paul was a liar, murderer, adulteress. I still love him and you.
Me: forgive me Abba
Lord: surrender
Me: I try but fail
Lord: be still, why are you running?
Me: because I'm afraid
Lord: I will chase after you. Rest in me my child. He then brought to my mind the book of Hosea.
What a blessing that he would bring that journal to light. How sovereign that He will chase after us. When I began to pray, God brought the story of Jonah to light, and how Jonah flees from the presence of the lord and The Lord captured his attention by sending a whale to swallow Jonah. Just like He has captured my attention by moving me home where I have nothing and nobody to turn to but Him.
Am I a sinner? Yes. Will I continue to sin? Probably. Will our sovereign God forgive me? Absolutely!
As I was praying to the lord on my knees feeling overwhelmed by my sin, he whispered ever so gently seventy times seven. In Matthew 18:15 bear it no more.
Even though, I sit here not knowing what tomorrow brings, I am filled with His peace. I know I have doubt, fear and sometimes unbelief. But my prayer is that He will bind this wandering heart to thee.
Amen.

Your steadfast love endures forever.

God is good and I see that and know that, but there are times when I am angry at Him and doubt him and then that is when I start to run from Him. God has blessed me with a job that on paper I am not qualified for and not to mention that I am the youngest person in my company and now I am there boss, which is really strange at times, and also really hard. Everyone keeps telling me that God is growing me through this and will do great things with this and through this experience. However, it is hard and I am sometimes at the point where i do not want it anymore. I am thankful that God has given me an amazing opportunity BUT I really hate it.
Then I start doubting and running from God. Then I tend to resort in my ways before God rescued me and I start thinking that He is keeping me from something.
Why am I so afraid to give things up for Him. He has given it all up for me...
This past month, I have been running from God and I keep trying to live life my way... this is never good...
Then today, I had such an empty feeling and decided I would do an hour of listening prayer.I started out by telling God I was sorry and to repent. Then I started telling him that He has disappointed me and it is very hard to trust Him and see the good in him. God was silent and heard me and gave me such peace.

Later I was telling my roommate that my prayer time was not a good one and I told her all I had said and she simply said "He can take it".
God hit me with that statement, he can take it and he wants me to come to him with the good, bad and the ugly. He cares for me and wants me to put it all out there for Him, my relationship will only get more intimate with him once I learn to do this.
But, God is growing me :)

Then Sings my soul

Today I got to see my Grandma...
After hearing many stories of how she was doing bad and found out that she has bone cancer, I wanted to see her, but I was also scared because I remember my Grandma as a fun loving, full of life and energy. This was not the case... tonight I went to go see her and she just lay there with her eyes half open and not active or there like she used to.
I can't even put into words what I am feeling. I need to process it, but I don't want to think about it nor do i want to be reminded it of what she looked like tonight.
I am reading Matthew and reading how many times Jesus healed the blind,lame,paralyzed and dead. makes me think how strong their faith was, they believed and knew Jesus would heal.
However, the more and more I read the more I saw that the people who were well were praying and seeking for healing there family or loved ones. They BELIEVED that Jesus would heal there loved ones and He did.
Something I can think about...

Oh BOY

Boys,Boys...
I have always wanted to get married it has always been on my mind and I never thought that there was anything wrong with this...
Well God has shown me how much I put this desire before him and how I am not giving him this and will not trust him.
I want to so badly give this desire to him. I want to give Him my heart so that I may receive His.

Recently, I felt like God put this guy on my heart and my thoughts were consumed with this guy and it made me so happy, beautiful, important to get attention from this guy. Until, this guy that I thought God "put on my heart" got a girlfriend. I was heartbroken... I did not understand why God would allow me to hurt like this. My thoughts were rejected and i felt lost.
When praying and reading the word God showed me how much he loves me and how it hurts Him when I hurt.
I learned:
- God is protecting and guarding my heart, He had to teach me that I need to be satisfied in Him and not man. No man can ever fully satisfy me, only God can
- God needed to break me to get my attention and see what I was seeking and finding happiness in. I truly felt happy when I was getting attention form this guy...
- God showed me His heart and let me see that He is wanting my attention and when I am seeking other things, I am rejecting Him and that breaks His heart.

I want the cry of my heart to be to bring Him praise and nothing else. This is my prayer and I am so thankful that God is still working in me and that I am not complete yet!
I am so thankful that every time I fail Him I am caught in His grace and His mercy remains!

Later Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house. Many tax collectors and "sinners" came. They ate with Jesus and his disciples.
The Pharisees saw this. So they asked the disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
Jesus heard that. So he said, "Those who are healthy don't need a doctor. Sick people do. Go and learn what this means, 'I want mercy and not sacrifice.'—(Hosea 6:6) I have not come to get those who think they are right with God to follow me. I have come to get sinners to follow me."
Matthew 9:11-13

Corinthians

I am back from N Africa and never thought I would be so sad in my life. In my time alone with the lord i was asking Why i was this sad and questioned if i should move there or strive to fully serve the lord here like I did in Africa... after many days of prayer the lord spoke to me:

He showed me how much i had fallen in love with Him, how much i fully depended on Him, how much I was in prayer, how He was always on my mind.

I came to terms that yes, God might want me to move there and serve and seek... yes, He may want me to live here and serve and seek... But HE WANTS ME TO SERVE AND SEEK.
I feel so completely in love with God because I would seek him and he reveled himself to me.
He broke my heart for what breaks His, He gave me His love to give to others, He showed me what I am placing before Him and what I am not trusting Him with.

This trip was hard because my prayer was break my heart for what breaks yours... and He did, but I am so thankful. I feel like I was ready to take my next step in faith but I could not do that until I gave God a fragment of my heart, so He would give me a slip of His.

During my time there I read 1and2 Corinthians and learned so much and how my heart was seeking other things and how God allows us to suffer through our struggles so we may learn through them. If every time we struggled and God took it away right away, how would we learn from it? We wouldn't we would fall back into it.
Even though it is hard and sucks, we must joyfully go through these trials and seek God and His wisdom. He will reveal it to us.

Power

Yesterday...
- Earlier we had a team worship that God was totally a part of, his presence in the room was over whelming. God really focused us on 1 Corinthians about having love, which is funny because that has been where he has led me to read before coming here.

we got to go back to the church that we were invited to for the 3rd night. We even got to have the sermon translated for us which was amazing to hear the truth! The sermon was also based on 1 Corinthians's!!

I have never felt God's presence more than I have on this trip. He is using this team to encourage people and be a light to, BUT not by anything we are doing or saying God has just blessed this team with the opportunity for Him to speak through us.
I can not even begin to tell you how much God has done here and how huge He is moving.I am encouraged every second that I am here because I know I serve a God who is hearing,comforting,powerful,mighty,Just,and he has made that so much more real.

Africa

We are here and seeing more than I would ever expect... I can not tell you How big and powerful God is here, it is so amazing. It just makes me realize how much I limit God in my life personally.

There are people attending churches and considering converting!

We go to widow churches and pray over the women, sing with them, show them certain stretches to help with their pain that may be prevented.

We go to underground churches and feel the presences of God so strongly it is amazing to be a part of. I am encouraged by the faith these people have and want to serve them with my all.

I got to share my testimony and asked God to speak through me and He was faithful and did that. I was so blessed to hear the preacher tell me that my story touched there hearts and I can only give God the credit. We have invited back and even though I can not understand what they are saying I leave there so filled. The holy spirit is there and its awesome.

More to come..

buried with Christ

Hmmm...
Tonight I was baptized and it was amazing!
Amazing to see what God has brought me through and still does
Amazing to see the wonderful friends supporting me
Amazing to see the people God is working in
Amazing to see an act like this and Him stir questions in people.

I love knowing God has and will use my testimony for His glory that this may lead someone to him.
I love that when I call on the Holy spirit to speak through me, it never fails.
I love that he is Strong where I am weak and He uses my weakness.
I love that His spirit is so strong it can and will bring the most hardest of hearts to break.

God is just so amazing and I hope that He will look at me and be pleased!

As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."
Matthew 3:16&17

Oh the JoY!

Today I babysat this adorable 3yr old little girl! Just watching her and being with her and watching the simple things that made her smile took me back and got me to thinking...

We went for a walk and she told me ALL about her day, then she got too tired to walk back so I gave her a "piggy back ride" She was laughing so hard and wanted to do that all night:0.
Then I made her dinner and she said "I want to eat on the couch", this prob is not allowed but I let her anyways... We turned on Dora and watched it and she had the biggest smile on her face and kept looking at me saying"Thank you ms. Katie" It was totally worth breaking the rules:). I let her stay up a little bit later to finish the movie then put her to bed...

What happen to the times that I got so much joy out of simple small things in life? Am I too old lol? or do I expect too much? hmm...

Yah this blog was pointless but I just wanted to write about it!

for His glory

I have always been ashamed to tell my testimony and to truly look and dig down deep to where God has rescued me from... But that is just it, where GOD rescued me from.

I could never get up and walk away from the lifestyle i was living all alone.

I LOVED to party, that is what I was known for and I liked that attention.

I LOVED to drink and get wild and crazy and have no consequences.

I LOVED to smoke weed and cigarettes and get a second of having no worries.

I LOVED to get a high from doing cocaine and not look inside my life.

I LOVED to take pills to get away from my problems in my life.

I LOVED having meaningless "nights" with guys so I could feel empty and hate myself more.

Although I loved these things and always went to the next level so I could escape and hide from God, still there I was naked, covered in sin in front of him. Every time he tugged on my heart, the harder I tried to hide and get away from him. I searched for love in all these things and was angry with God that I was depressed and going through so much ALONE...

Why on earth would I walk away from that lifestyle that was mine and all that I knew and how people identified me with...

Well it took me having nothing, nobody completely falling on my face to realize that all I needed was Christ.

I was running away and as soon as I took His hand I fell in love. Everything that I LOVED and desired was gone and all the sudden I wanted to please this Loving God that Loves me even when I was covered in sin, he poured his blood on me and made me white as snow and made me HIS.

I look back and am amazed that he rescued me and still loved me and wanted me! How awesome that the God of the universe wanted my attention and wanted to spend time with me.

I just wanted to truly give God all the glory he deserves and more for the pits of my life that he rescued me from. That was a dark and scary place that I HATE looking back at but I know that God is going to use my testimony for his glory!

Listen to katiekaylynns Playlist

Today...

Today I feel a little bit of blah...
I have not had a quiet time in a while and normally I feel depressed and guilty but today I feel... nothing...
Is this a bad thing?
Am I too comfortable in this lifestyle?
Am i too far away?
I love the fact that i can just come to God on my face and repent of my sins... I have o so many, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and wonder how God could love me and how he could forgive me over and over and OVER...
But He does.
I love that we have such an amazing God that even though I feel I am so far away He never moves! Praise God!