Bind this heart.

I have been living in the dark and running from God and his presence for many months. There have been situations in my life that I was unable to overcome and instead of calling on the lord, I became angry at him.
There was a situation that I was involved in where the lord lead me into and purposely freed me from it, but instead of being thankful I left it feeling not good enough and thinking that God decided that he could not use me...
So I ran from him... and committed many sins. Which leads to guilt and shame, which brought me further from the lord.
Long story short... I am in the process of moving home. Of course, I became depressed, feeling like a loser and am broke with no friends here. Questioning if I made the right choice. Meanwhile, the enemy kept feeding me lies and I truly believed that I could never return to Abba.
I began this slup of not reading my Bible, not praying, even when a Christian song would come on I would turn it so quick, feeling disgusted with the song or maybe at myself.
My family tried and tried bringing me to church but I refused to go. Why would I want to go when I would just leave feeling guilty? Why would I want to go and put on a fake smile, so the world wouldn't see my brokenness?
Today, I finally went to church, Jesus was preparing my heart even when I didn't realize it. I thought I would walk in feeling overwhelmed with His spirit or cry my eyes out. But it wasn't that at all... I felt Peace... calmness of my soul. The kind of peace where you feel everything is right. The kind of Peace that can only come from our lord and savior. HIS peace for me.
When I left, I wanted more, I felt like an addict, I couldn't focus on anything else but going home, hiding in my closet and praying. When I got home I did just that. I wanted to speak to Him but where do I begin? I'm sorry for screwing up the life you had planned for me? Forgive me? I then opened up my journal and read some old entries I wrote of my listening prayers. This is one that I read: date April 1, 2011
Me: lord, I feel I cannot serve you because of my sin.
Lord: come to me
Me: I want to, but I'm shameful
Lord: Jesus paid it all
Me: I want to believe, but look what I've done.
Lord: Paul was a liar, murderer, adulteress. I still love him and you.
Me: forgive me Abba
Lord: surrender
Me: I try but fail
Lord: be still, why are you running?
Me: because I'm afraid
Lord: I will chase after you. Rest in me my child. He then brought to my mind the book of Hosea.
What a blessing that he would bring that journal to light. How sovereign that He will chase after us. When I began to pray, God brought the story of Jonah to light, and how Jonah flees from the presence of the lord and The Lord captured his attention by sending a whale to swallow Jonah. Just like He has captured my attention by moving me home where I have nothing and nobody to turn to but Him.
Am I a sinner? Yes. Will I continue to sin? Probably. Will our sovereign God forgive me? Absolutely!
As I was praying to the lord on my knees feeling overwhelmed by my sin, he whispered ever so gently seventy times seven. In Matthew 18:15 bear it no more.
Even though, I sit here not knowing what tomorrow brings, I am filled with His peace. I know I have doubt, fear and sometimes unbelief. But my prayer is that He will bind this wandering heart to thee.
Amen.

Your steadfast love endures forever.

God is good and I see that and know that, but there are times when I am angry at Him and doubt him and then that is when I start to run from Him. God has blessed me with a job that on paper I am not qualified for and not to mention that I am the youngest person in my company and now I am there boss, which is really strange at times, and also really hard. Everyone keeps telling me that God is growing me through this and will do great things with this and through this experience. However, it is hard and I am sometimes at the point where i do not want it anymore. I am thankful that God has given me an amazing opportunity BUT I really hate it.
Then I start doubting and running from God. Then I tend to resort in my ways before God rescued me and I start thinking that He is keeping me from something.
Why am I so afraid to give things up for Him. He has given it all up for me...
This past month, I have been running from God and I keep trying to live life my way... this is never good...
Then today, I had such an empty feeling and decided I would do an hour of listening prayer.I started out by telling God I was sorry and to repent. Then I started telling him that He has disappointed me and it is very hard to trust Him and see the good in him. God was silent and heard me and gave me such peace.

Later I was telling my roommate that my prayer time was not a good one and I told her all I had said and she simply said "He can take it".
God hit me with that statement, he can take it and he wants me to come to him with the good, bad and the ugly. He cares for me and wants me to put it all out there for Him, my relationship will only get more intimate with him once I learn to do this.
But, God is growing me :)

Then Sings my soul

Today I got to see my Grandma...
After hearing many stories of how she was doing bad and found out that she has bone cancer, I wanted to see her, but I was also scared because I remember my Grandma as a fun loving, full of life and energy. This was not the case... tonight I went to go see her and she just lay there with her eyes half open and not active or there like she used to.
I can't even put into words what I am feeling. I need to process it, but I don't want to think about it nor do i want to be reminded it of what she looked like tonight.
I am reading Matthew and reading how many times Jesus healed the blind,lame,paralyzed and dead. makes me think how strong their faith was, they believed and knew Jesus would heal.
However, the more and more I read the more I saw that the people who were well were praying and seeking for healing there family or loved ones. They BELIEVED that Jesus would heal there loved ones and He did.
Something I can think about...

Oh BOY

Boys,Boys...
I have always wanted to get married it has always been on my mind and I never thought that there was anything wrong with this...
Well God has shown me how much I put this desire before him and how I am not giving him this and will not trust him.
I want to so badly give this desire to him. I want to give Him my heart so that I may receive His.

Recently, I felt like God put this guy on my heart and my thoughts were consumed with this guy and it made me so happy, beautiful, important to get attention from this guy. Until, this guy that I thought God "put on my heart" got a girlfriend. I was heartbroken... I did not understand why God would allow me to hurt like this. My thoughts were rejected and i felt lost.
When praying and reading the word God showed me how much he loves me and how it hurts Him when I hurt.
I learned:
- God is protecting and guarding my heart, He had to teach me that I need to be satisfied in Him and not man. No man can ever fully satisfy me, only God can
- God needed to break me to get my attention and see what I was seeking and finding happiness in. I truly felt happy when I was getting attention form this guy...
- God showed me His heart and let me see that He is wanting my attention and when I am seeking other things, I am rejecting Him and that breaks His heart.

I want the cry of my heart to be to bring Him praise and nothing else. This is my prayer and I am so thankful that God is still working in me and that I am not complete yet!
I am so thankful that every time I fail Him I am caught in His grace and His mercy remains!

Later Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house. Many tax collectors and "sinners" came. They ate with Jesus and his disciples.
The Pharisees saw this. So they asked the disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
Jesus heard that. So he said, "Those who are healthy don't need a doctor. Sick people do. Go and learn what this means, 'I want mercy and not sacrifice.'—(Hosea 6:6) I have not come to get those who think they are right with God to follow me. I have come to get sinners to follow me."
Matthew 9:11-13

Corinthians

I am back from N Africa and never thought I would be so sad in my life. In my time alone with the lord i was asking Why i was this sad and questioned if i should move there or strive to fully serve the lord here like I did in Africa... after many days of prayer the lord spoke to me:

He showed me how much i had fallen in love with Him, how much i fully depended on Him, how much I was in prayer, how He was always on my mind.

I came to terms that yes, God might want me to move there and serve and seek... yes, He may want me to live here and serve and seek... But HE WANTS ME TO SERVE AND SEEK.
I feel so completely in love with God because I would seek him and he reveled himself to me.
He broke my heart for what breaks His, He gave me His love to give to others, He showed me what I am placing before Him and what I am not trusting Him with.

This trip was hard because my prayer was break my heart for what breaks yours... and He did, but I am so thankful. I feel like I was ready to take my next step in faith but I could not do that until I gave God a fragment of my heart, so He would give me a slip of His.

During my time there I read 1and2 Corinthians and learned so much and how my heart was seeking other things and how God allows us to suffer through our struggles so we may learn through them. If every time we struggled and God took it away right away, how would we learn from it? We wouldn't we would fall back into it.
Even though it is hard and sucks, we must joyfully go through these trials and seek God and His wisdom. He will reveal it to us.

Power

Yesterday...
- Earlier we had a team worship that God was totally a part of, his presence in the room was over whelming. God really focused us on 1 Corinthians about having love, which is funny because that has been where he has led me to read before coming here.

we got to go back to the church that we were invited to for the 3rd night. We even got to have the sermon translated for us which was amazing to hear the truth! The sermon was also based on 1 Corinthians's!!

I have never felt God's presence more than I have on this trip. He is using this team to encourage people and be a light to, BUT not by anything we are doing or saying God has just blessed this team with the opportunity for Him to speak through us.
I can not even begin to tell you how much God has done here and how huge He is moving.I am encouraged every second that I am here because I know I serve a God who is hearing,comforting,powerful,mighty,Just,and he has made that so much more real.

Africa

We are here and seeing more than I would ever expect... I can not tell you How big and powerful God is here, it is so amazing. It just makes me realize how much I limit God in my life personally.

There are people attending churches and considering converting!

We go to widow churches and pray over the women, sing with them, show them certain stretches to help with their pain that may be prevented.

We go to underground churches and feel the presences of God so strongly it is amazing to be a part of. I am encouraged by the faith these people have and want to serve them with my all.

I got to share my testimony and asked God to speak through me and He was faithful and did that. I was so blessed to hear the preacher tell me that my story touched there hearts and I can only give God the credit. We have invited back and even though I can not understand what they are saying I leave there so filled. The holy spirit is there and its awesome.

More to come..